The infamous Dane Cook, comedian and ridiculous human being, put it best when he proclaimed to a live audience, “Any man would turn down sex to be part of a heist.”

I thought about this recently. It was one of those fleeting moments just before falling asleep when I predicted my mind would be cluttered with various worries but instead my brain found it advantageous to become preoccupied with the prospect of masterminding an epic heist. Stemming a little bit from my previously detailed dream, (infiltrating the Forbidden City to prove my innocence to the emperor’s hot daughter) apart from the whole spending chunks of my life in prison, being a criminal would be awesome.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the smash and grab 7-11 doofus, I’m talking Sean-Connery-smooth intellectually and physically agile Rico Suave of the crime world--someone smooth, someone adaptive, someone brilliantly staggering from every angle of cool imaginable.

Of course I would have to follow through with 3 heists. The first would take intricate planning to assemble my crew of elite, ethnically diverse, fine tuned individuals. We would all have code names. They wouldn’t be treated as code names though, they’d be seen as nicknames with that code name awesomeness attached in passing--names like Wheelman, Locks, Jinx, Jerome… And we’d have to talk incredibly quickly in almost an entire set of inside jokes so each seemed almost like brother who could understand you even when you mumbled some incoherent sound while shoving food down your mouth.

I digress, but we’d obviously have to succeed in our first mission. Without a hitch, we’d engage in an elaborate scheme of diversions, and diversion diversions pulling off our perfectly orchestrated heist like a well choreographed dance. We’d steal something valuable and tangible, like a large diamond or priceless carved head-mask perhaps.

As would definitely follow, during the second heist someone would be found a traitor who we’d leave for the cops and of course in the third heist we’d be caught. Not because of a slip up, but because of the dude who was a traitor snitching on us my posse would be caught. However, miraculously my team of the world’s finest would eventually find an elaborate governmental loop hole letting us escape with millions hiding in some foreign bank account.

And that would be that. Honestly, is it really any competition at all? Sex, or a year long ungodly righteous adventure of moderately dangerous escapades accompanied by the most talented deceivers in bodily existence as well as millions in a Swiss account?

Decision? I think not.

Labels: criminal, dane cook, heist

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 11, 2007 at 1:03 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.