I’m a professional nap-per.

I think people really do underestimate the power of a good nap. And in all honesty, I believe naps get way too much bad publicity that should be attributed to improper napping technique. Hey, if I had a nickel for every time someone came up to me complaining that they napped for too long and they missed their class and they just woke up more tired than before and they’re dog died I’d be able to purchase the African nation of Malawi.

Napping is an art. Napping is not like sleeping. Napping is like sex.

It takes practice, you are never amazing the first time, and you may find yourself embarrassed in public. But if you suddenly open your eyes after a mid day siesta to a crowd of people and 5 minutes later find out that you had unknowingly produced intricate drool stains leading from your cheeks to your right shoulder blade there is always hope.

To be honest, when you get to be my age you learn a thing or two, and when it comes to napping you have the opportunity today to learn from the best. The core emphases of a good nap can be summed up in a simple yet effective 3 letter acronym.

P.U.A.

This 3 step process to unconditional napping success stands for Posture, Usage, and Alarm. P.U.A. (Pooh-uh)

Posture is key. The wrong napping position, especially in the wrong location can be disastrous. Truly, the secret to correct napping posture is mobility of equipment. Don’t nap without head and neck support, would you go shark hunting without a harpoon? If you have time to prepare, stuff an unnecessary clothing piece into your bag of choice to soften up your makeshift chubby Tempur-pedic bag-pillow (TBP). Removal of shoes is optional. If class-napping is your cup of tea, adopt the in-class Akimbo arm brace position. Cross your arms and place your left hand under your right elbow while resting against the desk to create an air pocket to allow for proper ventilation. Additionally, this allows for emergency post-nap cleanup tactics. If you seem to unwittingly produce a saliva pool gently slide your full Akimbo arm arch back towards your torso to mask the mess.

There reached a point last semester when I enjoyed 3 to 4 naps a day. I employed the spectrum of naps, long naps, short naps, deep naps, shallow naps, naps on couches, naps on concrete benches, and if you speak to any expert nap-per they’ll tell you that to stay ahead of the game you have to stock up your arsenal. Some key naps to perfect for adaptive usage are:

1) The Gonzalez (tm):

A full on classic power nap, this shouldn’t last more than 14 minutes--perfect for post-breakfast, pre-class, lame-night-of-sleep catch-up. The rejuvenation should last about 2 hours, but with a pre-nap cup of coffee it’ll last you twice as long.

2) The Trifecta:

The Trifecta represents the triple threat of a three course meal: appetizer, dinner and dessert. Really it’s reserved for a 3 hour midday break and requires a designated sleeping receptacle (i.e. BED: Body Engulfing Device). Take the time to prepare for sleep including the removal of pants and uncomfortable jewelry, proceed to a speedy yet gentle entrance into medium-level sleep depth (generally a pillow on the face as well as under the head will do the trick), and budget time for a comfortable awakening.

3) The Midnight-Werewolf-Sack-Attack (MWSA):

This is a personal favorite. Late night sleepy symptoms prior to or during a long night of work are the worst. For the MWSA, shoot the moon for about 25 minutes at the midnight hour or even early AM’s on a couch under low light to prevent over-sleeping and to keep the ball rolling for a couple necessary working hours.

Last but not least is the Alarm. This isn’t your 4^th grade roller rink birthday party. This is napping. This is serious. The alarm serves as quite possibly the most integral puzzle piece to completing the intricate enigma that is a successful nap. Most preferably a mobile alarm such as a cell-phone is ideal. For the Gonzalez and other quick draw battery chargers switch the alarm to vibrate and hold it in your hand for a comfortable yet effective immediate wakeup. For longer stays slide a sound alarm under your pillow to guarantee effective time-keeping.

Napping is beautiful. Napping is bold. Napping is dangerous. Napping is like a vicious untamed pet or whirlwind storm, if you don’t harness it correctly the consequences can be tragic but if done right, the rewards are immeasurable. I’ve provided you with the best advice I could mister and given you the tools to live by the 3 fold path, P.U.A. (Pooh-uh): Posture, Usage, and Alarm. Embrace napping. Nap to live. Live to nap.

I need to go now; I’m going to go take a nap to get ready for bed.

Labels: napping, shark, werewolves

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 1, 2007 at 10:56 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.